Thursday, June 30, 2005

The Strange Mailbag

To Bryan in Williamsburg, Virginia:

It’s true: Mark loves Teacup Poodles. He has many porcelain figurines and inspirational posters of them in his bedroom. Currently, he’s trying to save up the money to start his own kennel which will traffic exclusively in Teacup Poodles. He’s thinking of calling it “Muffy’s Teatime Kennel,” though that’s still tentative.

Michael, on the other hand, hates Teacup Poodles. In fact, he hates all small, yippy dogs of that ilk. Not so much out of blind hatred but more because Mark loves them and Michael must destroy everything Mark loves.

To Claire in Minnetonka, Minnesota:

I’m sorry if my overture of affection was taken the wrong way. It’s just that you said you were having problems with your parents, so I thought you’d want me to poison them with dioxin. Look: they’re not dead, merely permanently disfigured. So what’s the problem? Why are we still talking about this? Christ.

To Hieronymous in Carpathia:

There is an ill wind rising from the East. Steel yourself against the movements of the Eye and give tribute, as always, to the Great Owl. There are those who Know and who will do Something. Be ever vigilant, and keep yourself redolent with vetiver and rose of hay. The Great Owl is watching, and, when the Time is Proper, will Take Flight.

To Senator Rick Santorum in Washington, D.C.:

Back at ya, “Count Fistula.”

To Maggie in Brookyln, New York:

You. Me. Noon. Museum of Natural History. Blue whale. Fresh panties. Be there.

And don’t worry about Claire. That’s being taken care of.


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