Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Temptation Is All Around Us In the Dessert Aisle

Beware, ye of feeble faith and conspicuous desires! Thy will is weak and easily led, thy soul skirts the edge of Hell’s bright flame with every free sample you consume!

Temptation is all around us in the dessert aisle!

Look there! These Grandma Gam-Gam’s brownies are filled not only with silky peanut butter chips but also with Satan’s laughter! Can you not hear the manic guffaws of terror and sulfurous damnation amidst the fudgy richness?

And these Habitué gourmet cupcakes! The frost is vanilla but deep inside its velvety cake lurks demon upon dark demon, ready to rise up bask in the glory of your idleness!

Sinners! Do not dare lay hands upon the Miss Randy chocolate chip cookies! Ye might believe only one or two be necessary for fulfillment, but soon enough ye will find thy hands stuffed with their wanton moistness, unable to stop gorging yourself, you fat swine!

O congregants, O brothers and sisters, remember the words of our Lord: “Do you not understand that whatever goes into the man from outside cannot defile him; because it does not go into his heart, but into his stomach, and is eliminated?”


These candies and cakes, these sweetmeats made sweeter by science, while delicious, are the diabolical confections of Beelzebub!

Leave, now, while you can!

I will stay here and exorcise this Legion for the sake of thy immortal souls! Be sure, as ye flee, to stay away from the Boston cream pies as those are especially sinful and delicious and Satanic.

And I’ll just need someone to grab me a couple gallons of 2% from the dairy case before they go, O.K.?


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