How You Might Be Annoying Me: Selected Examples

Sitting on the same side of the booth as me.

Reminding me, yet again, that freedom isn’t free.

Carrying around your miniature schnauzer in a front-loading papoose meant for a human baby.

Insisting that William Shakespeare wrote The Death of a Salesman, and then accepting that he, in fact, did not, but really did an excellent job on Crime and Punishment.

Setting your cell phone to play “Men in Black” when it rings and then not answering it during the movie Men in Black.

Refusing to believe that Alexander Hamilton was never a president.

Mouth-breathing while you chew your beef tips.

You wear a kilt. All the time. You’re from Texarkana.

Insisting on not wearing a watch because you don’t want to be “held a prisoner by the shackles of time” yet constantly asking me what time it is.

Not fucking me.