Thursday, May 19, 2005

The Sith Method: How the Dark Side of the Force Can Improve Your Life

Now that the world as been shown the glory of the Dark Side of the Force, I’ve been getting several questions from would-be Sith on how the Dark Side can improve their lives. I’d like to take this opportunity to address just a few of those questions.

First of all, you wear all black, all the time. It’s not only slimming but chic as well. Black is always in style and always will be. And if somebody cracks a joke about the Cure or vampires, you can slice them in two with your lightsaber. Which you get to have because you’re a Sith.

Instead of being just “Michael,” I’m now Darth Schiavo. And Mark is now known as Darth Rinaldi. Admittedly, it does make him sound like a dastardly magician, but let’s be honest: it’s a huge step up from “Mark.”

What else? You have free reign over as many stormtroopers as you want. And you can basically tell them to do anything. Like: “TK-421, I’m really horny. I need you to go to Kashyyk and bring me back some Wookiee trim.” And they’ll do it. Why? Because you’re a Sith Lord.

Any AT-AT is—pardon the pun—at your disposal. Need a TIE Fighter? Here you go, Darth Schiavo! Darth Rinaldi, I’m sorry your Star Destroyer isn’t as big as Darth Schiavo’s. That’s just the way things are. It’s nature; live with it.

Now, sometimes your stormtroopers get uppity, and since they’re clones and not really people, it’s O.K. to kill them. That’s right: they’re perfect for you to master your foul and malevolent powers upon by choking them telepathically or shooting their body full of Force lightning until they’re nothing but cinders.

Man, there are so many other reasons that being in touch with the Dark Side of the Force can improve your life, but I can’t think of them right now because I’m wholly consumed with an unnatural omnipotence that has literally changed the color of my eyes to a freakishly sick yellow.

I think I need to go lie down.

Darth Schiavo is currently the acting doorman of the American Sith Liberties Union (ASLU). He has presented a number of motivational Sith workshops, among them The Purpose Driven Sith: How to Do What the Dark Side Wants You To and How Much Telepathic Choking is Too Much Telepathic Choking?: A Telepathic Choking Primer. He is available for Sith parties and social functions. (Please note: there is a 20% surcharge for Sith bat/bar mitzvahs as Darth Schiavo is a raging anti-Semite).


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