Outrageous Claims I Have Made While Drunk (Excerpt)

Coupling is so much better than The Office.

Hells yeah, I can get you some high-grade plutonium by next Wednesday.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that March, which is Women’s History Month, is also Mental Retardation Awareness Month.

That finger in the Wendy’s chili? That was all me, buddy.

I would have no problem getting Natalie Portman to date me once I met her.

All right, Dr. Doolittle. You think you’re man enough to teabag my girlfriend’s bull mastiff? Be my guest.

William Vollman is a poor writer and a coward. Correction: a fucking coward.

That’s right. I urinated in your sink. Why? Because I’m the mayor and I can do anything I want.

I’m not saying that all Liechtensteinians are dyslexic, but, you know.