Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Welcome to Our Fraternal Organization

After these many weeks of psychological mind games and humiliating initiation rituals, it’s my great pleasure, as pledge-master of Alpha Omega, to welcome you to our glorious fraternal organization.

I know this is a dream come true for every single one of you. And even though this pledge class is the smallest we’ve had in many years, I believe it’s also one of the best. We culled the weak from the strong and were left with only the most noble and trustworthy. We are, all of us—new members and current Alpha Omegas—now bonded as brothers until our deaths, and we vow to venerate and help one another in anywhere, any time, and at any cost.

So, without further ado, here are your degrading nicknames.

Pete, your Alpha Omega nickname is Balls, due to your outstanding performance in the “Fill-A-Bagger.” I’ve seen a lot of pledges in my time go out in the first round. That sock full of quarters to the groin really hurts! But you made it all the way to the end, surviving not only the quarters, but the marbles, the chunks of concrete, and the cat-o’-nine-tails. Not bad, Brother Balls.

Tim, from now on your name is Short Bus because of your success in the “Top This” initiation. Convincing that girl with Down’s Syndrome that you were an astronaut? Man, that was fucking classic. Best I’ve seen in all my years in this fraternity. Did you ever find out how long she waited behind the field house for your “spaceship” to land? I know you probably won’t be able to go back to Wal-Mart for a while, but you’ll always have a home at Alpha Omega.

Greg, your new name is Nuts, for two reasons. One: because you came in second in the “Fill-A-Bagger.” And two: because you’ve literally got a huge pair of testicles. Those things are massive. Like a camel.

Scotty! You are now Brown Eye. ’Nuff said, eh?

Steve, because of your amazing ability to drink three bottles of grain alcohol without vomiting, your nickname is Heave. And now that you’re one of us, you’ll never have to worry about those pictures of you with Greg’s—sorry, Nuts’—heavy-hangers on your forehead being seen by anyone but your fellow Alpha Omegas, here and across the country.

And, last but not least, Johnny. You’re now known as Poo-Stick, for your daring bravery during the “Flagpole” ritual. Never in the history of Alpha Omega has anyone had a broom handle shoved that far up his ass without experiencing severe internal hemorrhaging. That you not only didn’t divulge to the authorities or hospital staff what caused the broom handle to find its way into your rectum, but also required astonishingly little medical attention is a testament to not only your devotion to your frat brothers, but also your—pardon the pun—“intestinal fortitude.”

Well, gentlemen, enjoy your new degrading nicknames! Welcome to Alpha Omega, and long may we be linked by brotherhood, honor, and sadomasochistic homoeroticism.


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