Things Upon Which You Might Not Want to Put Tabasco Sauce

Saltwater taffy

Infant son

The fender of a Trans-Am

Winning lottery tickets

Other hotter pepper-based condiments

An oversized platter of delicious DoubleStuf Oreos

Toilet seat

The underside of your right eyelid

Heretofore undiscovered original copy of the lost second book of Aristotle’s Poetics

Horse shit