Saturday, April 30, 2005

I’m Not That Criminally Insane

I’ve been getting a lot of flak lately from people who have consistently and erroneously referred to me as “criminally insane.” These so-called experts—such as Dr. Chatwin—have used their “science” to paint a caustic and false image of the man that I truly am. The time has come to dispel the lies and rumors.

That being said, I don’t wish to present a false image. I am a little criminally insane, OK? Maybe even more than a little. But honestly, I’m not that criminally insane.

Now, I know what’s going to happen next—someone is going to bring up my first crime, where I carved the arcane symbol of Lamashtu into the foreheads of thirteen murdered prostitutes. What they won’t tell you, however, is that I had to carve the symbol into their heads in order to appease Lamashtu, “She Who Erases,” lest she rise from the fathomless depths of the leviathan and immolate the earth with her demonic bloodlust. Dr. Chatwin doesn’t want you to know that I was actually working to save lives. No. He’d rather make me the enemy and put another BMW in his already overflowing garage. I mean, only a really criminally insane person would have carved intricate pictograms into their heads just for fuck’s sake. Am I right?

Look at my next crime, for example, wherein I chopped up five British tourists and scattered their fragmented bodies high over the earth from a small passenger plane. A lesser man—one that was legitimately criminally insane, a real loony-toon, you know—would probably have just scattered them anywhere, possibly injuring someone who was standing on a sidewalk or crossing the street. I, on the other hand, took great care to scatter them over empty farmland toward the outskirts of town, so that when the crimson deluge met the dusty ground no one would be caught in the downpour of bones and blood. How’s that for sane, “Doctor” Chatwin? Huh? Huh? Can’t hear you!

Need more proof that I’m only marginally criminally insane? Why, after disposing of my victims' torsos in huge vats of industrial strength acid, I even responsibly disposed of the acid at the town dump on Hazardous Waste Collection Day. Wouldn’t want to harm the wildlife that populates the beautiful waterways of this area, you know? Our natural resources are a fragile gift, and we all need to do our part to protect them.

In addition, never once did I masturbate upon the remains of my victims nor do anything untoward with their personal belongings once the bodies were disposed of. I think this also bespeaks that my actions—while inarguably outrageous—were not overly criminally insane.

To be perfectly frank, I think more people should follow my example. Too many criminally insane people are running amok in our streets, in our classrooms, in the house next door, at the high-scale dog-grooming salon. The world would really be a better place without all those lunatics.

I mean, there are some really crazy people out there.


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