Friday, April 22, 2005

Things I Would Like to See (Part 4)

A shark fighting a lion. Only they both have no teeth or claws, they can only use spiked maces and groin/gill shots are illegal. To make it fair they will fight in space.

Bill O’Reilly, Ann Coulter, Michael Savage, and Sean Hannity making out with Strom Thurmond’s corpse while George H.W. Bush circles them on a tricycle reading the poetry of Jewel through a megaphone. Forever.

Yngwie Malmsteen shredding on a flaming guitar while riding another flaming guitar like a surfboard and crashing through my bedroom wall.

A giant anthropomorphic tuna that makes sushi out of people. That would be so fucked up.

Some sort of television program that combines my natural love of competitive cooking with the flash and pizzazz of gay/straight makeovers. In a steel cage.

Fitness celebrity John Basedow being torn apart by enormous genetically-engineered owls with golden armor, bronze talons and sonic warfare weaponry.

The band Godsmack actually being smacked by God. Or even being hit by a garbage truck.

A society where people are judged not by the color of their skin but by the content of their character and I am the richest man alive.