Musical Instruments We’re in the Process of Inventing

Pigiano

A variation on the tried-and-true pianoforte, this instrument utilizes a series of wooden paddles to “stimulate” an array of variously-sized swine. While it sounds abrasive, it is actually quite breathtaking.


Harmonican’t

Regardless of how you attempt to play it, this instrument automatically forces you to fake your way through the guitar solo from “More Than a Feeling” by Boston. A cousin of the Didjeridon’t.


Shit-Talking Drum

This variation on the African Talking Drum is wired with electronics which translate the rhythm played into a rapid-fire succession of “yo momma” jokes. So far the jokes are really bad, like “Yo momma is terribly disappointing,” and “Yo momma washes her dishes in the bathtub.” We’ll get there though.


Oboe

We might just scrap this one as we’ve heard rumors there is already an instrument with this name. We’re looking into that.


Thereminiature

A theremin so small it can only be played by very coordinated beetles and perhaps King Cobras. We’re not sure yet; it’s hard to get a King Cobra.


Cannabassoon

OK, fine. You’re right. It’s a bong.


Watermellotron

A keyboard attached to a series of large, seedless watermelons that produces a sound rivaling anything the Cincinnati Pops can produce. That bastard Erich Kunzel will be out of a job soon. Previous attempts with honeydew and cantaloupe were unsuccessful so don’t even try.


Gentile’s Harp

Like the Jew’s Harp, but lacking a mandate from the One True God.


Xylofuck

Like a conventional xylophone, except you play it with dildos. Unrelated to the sexophone.