Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Memorandum From the Desk of M. Casper Humboldt, Executive Director

TO: All

Re: Fucking of cheesecake

As I am sure we are all aware, Humboldt-Gregory takes great pride in its reputation as being the number one producer of lightning rods in the Northeast. Our standing is built on generations of hard-working men and women who took what was once a small raisin-packing facility and built it into the Fortune 500 Company that it is today. My own great-grandfather, Mace Humboldt III, oversaw the growth of our company from its small-town roots all the way to 1995, when he left this world with dignity, honor, and great professional satisfaction. The Humboldt-Gregory tradition is one of perseverance, personal responsibility and impeccable ethics, and we will do whatever it takes to preserve this courageous legacy.

It has come to my attention, then, that someone had sex with a cheesecake that was left in the 3rd floor break room. The strawberry cheesecake—trimmed with dark chocolate shavings and left in the break room as a token of appreciation for the tireless work of the Accounts Payable Department during the end of the past fiscal quarter—was found on the ground next to the refrigerator. Its center had been completely eviscerated by what appeared to have been a long, cylindrical object. After closer inspection and the subsequent discovery of a pubic hair between the “o” and “n” of what once constituted “Congratulations” written in electric blue icing, it was determined that someone had fucked the chilled confection.

I am sure that I do not need to reiterate once again Humboldt-Gregory’s policy on cleanliness, decorum and, as it were, cakefucking. I do not know who could have committed the aforementioned act, nor do I care to find out. I can, however, assure you all that there will be no more congratulatory cheesecakes presented in the future. The thought that some depraved individual could find no use other than sexual insertion for such a delicious treat, oozing with ripe, red strawberries and smooth dark chocolate, all the while encased in a firm, yet yielding graham-cracker crust is, to put it lightly, troubling.

I think of the employees of Humboldt-Gregory as a family, and to have to try and sleep at night with the image of one of my family members plunging his (or her) member into a congratulatory cheesecake is disheartening at best.

As I view our executives and employees as such, no investigation as to the culprit’s identity will occur at the present. Let’s put this ugly incident behind us. But if it should occur for a third time, disciplinary action will be taken. I will not hesitate to tell you that the board has considered banning all desserts and/or baked goods from the premises. I hope it will not come to this.

As I said: let’s not dwell on this, but push forward, keeping the Humboldt-Gregory tradition at the forefront of our minds.

Keep up the good work! And Happy 45th Birthday to Jacob in Corporate Accounts!


M. Casper Humboldt

Executive Director


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