Sunday, April 03, 2005

Think of Me as the Sexual Pope

I know you’re pretty upset about the passing of Pope John Paul II. As far as Popes go, he surely was one of the best, opening doors to parts of the world that no Pope before him dared to open, visiting every continent except Antarctica, raising issues that virtually every Pope before him ignored. Yes, he was a man of vision. He saw that the world was changing and understood that we need to change with it. Sure, he was restricted by his role as Pope, but he did a great deal with what he had—

Wow. You’re really crying there. You really shouldn’t be alone right now. You’re too grief-stricken. Look, I don’t mean to speak out of turn—and please don’t take this the wrong way—but I’m kind of like the Pope.

Please. Let me explain.

I don’t mean that I’m the vessel of Christ’s divine message, nor do I mean to imply that I am possessed of that infallibility with which the Divine Redeemer wished His Church to be endowed. I only mean that I have many of the late Pope’s best qualities in addition to the fact that I like to have sex.

So, if it helps you get through this difficult time, think of me as the Sexual Pope.

Like the Pope might, I’ll lend a comforting hand in this hour of desperate sorrow as I’m very empathetic to human suffering. And I look really good naked. I’m no Adonis, surely, but I haven’t gotten any complaints.

The Pope reached out to the entire human race with a message of peace and hope. I, too, have extended myself to all of humanity, near and far, except instead of a message of peace extended, it’s my penis.

The Pope wrote poetry and I, too, write poetry. But unlike the Pope, after I read you some of my poems, I’ll make out with you. That’s a two-for-one deal right there. The Pope would never—nay, could never—do that.

Would the Pope ever offer to pleasure you orally for as long as you desired? As the Sexual Pope, I would do that for you. In fact, it would be my pleasure.

True, there are some things as the Sexual Pope I can’t do: offer you absolution for your sins, call a Council of Trent, appoint a grand inquisitor. I can, however, make love to you so expertly that a team of international scientists will need to be consulted in order to determine the lasting effect it will have on you.

I know your mind is much bereaved right now, but whatever you decide, just know that the Sexual Pope is here for you.

Unless Maggie calls. Then I’ll have to go and attend to her grief.


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