I Wish I Had a Couple of Surface-To-Air Missiles

Just a couple. I don’t want to be greedy. And I won’t even hang on to them; I’d sell them immediately. I would totally be able to make rent this month. Plus I’d probably have enough left over to buy a sweet plasma TV for my room. I can’t even imagine how stellar the Led Zeppelin DVD would look on that bad boy.

I’m not talking about some crazy new experimental prototype that I’d be able to sell for billions of dollars. Christ, no. Just something simple, like an LGM-30 Minuteman, or even a couple of those primo Northrop MQM-36 Shelducks. The improved autopilot and altitude-hold units have really upped their resale value, and I’d have no problem finding a few solid buyers.

Hell, I’d even take an old MGM-51 Shillelagh or two, just to not have to make a meal out of Ramen noodles and Goya coconut soda for the fourth day in a row. Is that asking too much? I don’t think so.

I should try to get in touch with Jim Lavalee. He could always come through for me in a pinch. I remember one time when I needed some quick cash to rent the limo for prom night, he showed up at my door with two Raytheon AIM-120 AMRAAM’s and an extra inertial reference unit—and we’re talking way before most people had even heard of BVM intercepts. Needless to say, we both got laid that night.

Man, last time I saw Jim, he was working the loading dock at the Sam’s Club in Milldale. I gotta stop by there soon and see if he’s still around.