Monday, May 09, 2005

Relax: There’s No International Conspiracy

Lately there’s been a lot of “buzz” in both the fringe and mainstream medias—that we in no way control—about diabolical goings-on. Certain words and phrases keep cropping up: Rosicrucians. Freemasons. Bilderberg. Bohemian Grove. And the like. Of course it’s troubling, but I’m here to let you all know that you should just relax.

There’s no international conspiracy.

There is no attempt by a shadowy organization—whose name is so ancient and cryptic, it can’t even be pronounced by human tongues—to control every aspect of human existence on this planet, from the words you read to the food you eat to the thoughts you think.

It would also be foolish to believe that world leaders gather tri-annually at secluded resorts in Northern California, Switzerland, and an unnamed South Pacific Island to determine what countries should be invaded, their natural resources plundered, their peoples oppressed. They also do not consult each other about the world economy and how to obtain even more money and power from the lower classes by poisoning the world’s drinking water.

Hey, some people actually believe this is true! They’re a little weird if you ask me.

A lot of these same people also believe that Meditation Room at the United Nations is where the New World Order telepathically spies on people with their so-called “Black Helicopters” which are, in reality, the transmogrified souls of necromantic U.N. Agents who are without shape until they assume the form decreed by their theosophic masters.

There is also no truth to the rumor, purported in popular novel The Da Vinci Code, that Jesus and Mary Magdalene were husband and wife and that the Catholic Church is out to suppress this information by any means necessary, included employing assassins trained in the mystical ninja arts to “remove” any writer that gets too close to the truth of the story and publishes a bestselling novel about this theory.

And if you were wondering if the Skull & Bones fraternity at Yale University is a breeding ground for future presidents, senators, and businessmen who will continue this well-entrenched conspiracy, why, that’s just crazy talk.

Just to reiterate: no cabal of red-robed Illuminati controlling the world governments, no ultra-thin microchips imbedded into every $1 bill that monitors your purchases and gathers information about your personal habits that are then fed into a global database to make it easier to manipulate the economy as well as your belief structure.

And there’s definitely not a giant owl statue representing an unnameable ancient god in the very depths of the United States Capitol that requires, as tribute, a virgin sacrifice every four years.

So we can all just continue celebrating Caitlin’s fifth birthday by having some of this delicious ice cream cake from Cold Stone Creamery.

Mmm . . . that’s pretty tasty.


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