Tuesday, June 28, 2005

You’ve Got To Hear This Album That Satan Recommended

Steve! Steve! There you are, dude. I’ve been looking all over for you. Figured if you weren’t at the garage working on the Rambler or scarfing down burgers at Pete & Pete’s, you’d be at your girlfriend’s house. Her parents aren’t home, are they?

Anyway, dude: You’ve got to hear this album that Satan recommended. It’s so fucking good you won’t even believe it!

I know what you’re going to say: Why would I trust the Dark Lord of the Underworld on anything, even something as mundane as His recommendation on an album of rock ’n’ roll music? Isn’t he the Ultimate Deceptor, willing to do whatever it takes to compromise my immortal soul and lead me down a path of wickedness and iniquity?

Well, just listen to this!

Isn’t that bass intro killer? It almost sounds like the Armies of Hell marshalling their forces to walk upon the earth, spewing sulfurous mayhem with every step.

And listen to those drums kick in! Like the rhythmic pounding of the Archfiend’s metalworkers fashioning His terrible weapons of human ruination. Wicked awesome, huh?

What do you mean this is fairly derivative? How can you say that, Steve? How many doom metal songs also have an organ line like that in them? That sound is as chilling as the cold finger of Apollyon tracing my spine, whispering in my ear to do His sinister bidding.

Well, since you’re such “the poet,” let’s talk about the lyrics then. How could you not appreciate “Come to me, come to me, Ray / leave the world this inhuman day / come to me, take your leave / be sure to kill your good friend Steve”?

What do you mean you don’t hear the same lyrics I do? I’ll admit, they are a little obscured by the almost subhuman drone of countless wailing demons, but if you listen to it over and over and over again, you start to pick up the words.

And what about this part in the next verse? “Follow my path, follow my will / be sure to also kill his girlfriend Jill”?

Wow, Steve, I can’t believe someone such as yourself, who has such good taste in music—from Iron Maiden to early Metallica to Mastodon to Noxagt—can’t appreciate this song and the message it’s delivering from the One True God of Total Recompense and Horror.

You can make all the threats you want, but I don’t think Jill’s parents are going to help you when they get home. Why is that, you ask? Just listen to this last verse: “Before you kill them, do this, I, Satan, will / slay also Jill’s parents, Amy and Bill.”

Oh, you don’t hear that either? Well, maybe you just don’t need your ears anymore. Or any part of your skull for that matter. Maybe you’re better off if I harvest all of your organs for Satan’s throne room which I’ve started to ready in the boiler room of the old high school.

No, Steve, I’m not acting weird, you’re acting weird. Weird enough to deny the numinous splendor of this song and Satan’s all-encompassing power over humanity.

And this blazing guitar solo!


Post a Comment

<< Home