Friday, June 24, 2005

Who Do I Have To Skull-Fuck Around Here To Get Some Sour Cream?

Excuse me? Excuse me?

This is unbelievable! Every time I try to flag one down a waiter, they act as if I’m not even here. It’s as if the other customers and their condiment needs are more important than mine.

Who do I have to skull-fuck around here to get some sour cream?

All I want in this life, right now, is some rich, ambrosial sour cream to compliment my Potato Stuffers, and I can’t even get that. I would perform fellatio on a decomposing giraffe to get some sour cream.

I would carry out a home invasion on an elderly retarded couple if they had some sour cream for my appetizer that is, minute by minute, losing all it’s piping hot deliciousness because this heads-up-their-asses wait staff can’t even acknowledge my rapidly waving steak-knife-clenching hand.

What do I have to do? Take a rife, steamy dump in the middle of the table while mothers cover their children’s eyes lest they see the man who has been wrongly denied his luxuriously cool sour cream act out an aggrieved and righteous act of civil disobedience the likes of which both Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and Mohandas Gandhi would be proud of?

If that’s what it takes, I’ll do it.

Remember the time at Chili’s I lit the hostess station on fire and then urinated on it to squelch the flames when they brought me the incorrect dipping sauce for my Boneless Shanghai Wings?

Prepare yourself for a grand repeat of that incident unless the waiter brings me some sour cream in the next 15 seconds.

Look how lonely the cheddar cheese is! And the bacon bits and chives are not fairing any better. Do I have to call Amnesty International and report this place like I did with Outback and their “limited” servings of bleu cheese dressing with their Kookaburra Wings?

It would appear that way.

This wait staff couldn’t find a cup of sour cream at high noon riding a heifer in the Breakstone Creamery. I don’t know what that means either! All I know is, I want some sour cream and I want it now!

Where did all the waiters go? Are they over there with the S.W.A.T. team and the rest of the restaurant patrons?



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