Thursday, June 16, 2005

Outrageous Claims I Have Made While Drunk

Yes, I cobble my own shoes.

Find me anyone—man, woman, or child—who legitimately thinks that Tom Cruise is a good actor, and I will karate chop them in the larynx.

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but since we all drank from this same cup, you are all now under the same curse that I am: the Curse of the Werewolf. Otherwise known as Herpes Simplex One.

Why don’t we call up Governor Romney right now and tell him that then? I’ve got his home phone number in my car.

You have not taken a shit until you’ve taken a shit in that bathroom, my friend. It is a magnificent facility.

I’m not saying that all Chileans are melancholy, but, you know.

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