Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Memorandum From the Desk of M. Casper Humboldt, Executive Director

RE: Assimilation of New, Undead Personnel

As per the results of the employee survey issued last month, I am happy to announce the hiring of new temporary employees at Humboldt-Gregory, the leading producer of kites and kite accessories in the southwest. We are happy to welcome these new additions to the company.

However, I must address certain issues that some of you have raised. A number of employees have expressed concern over the appearance and demeanor of the newest members of the Humboldt-Gregory family. In our commitment to workplace diversity, we must all work together to make them feel at home.

These zombie temps will help increase productivity ten-fold as well as contribute to a well-rounded workforce. Although they lack some interpersonal skills and may attempt—at times—to devour your brain matter and/or your extremities, they are to be treated with the same respect and dignity that you would give me, your executive director or any member of the board.

So while we all miss Helen from Marketing and regret her dismemberment at the hands of the undead horde on Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, we must move forward.

I personally take issue with the questions that have been raised against our newest employees. In an effort to curtail operating expenses, we thought it best to use arcane and inhuman magic to harness cheap labor from the netherworld. This was done at great personal expense to the board of directors’ mortal souls in the hopes that we might avoid layoffs.

We hope that all of you understand and appreciate this delicate situation.

Effective immediately, all non-undead Humbolt-Gregory employees will be required to log no less than 12 hours of online zombie diversity training. We are also equipping each department with fully loaded 12-gauge shotguns and double-bladed axes, for use in the event of another “uprising.”

Replacement shells and sharpening equipment will be provided on an as-needed basis.

Thank you all for your understanding in this matter.

In other news, a belated Happy 35th Birthday to Christopher in Shipping and Receiving!

M. Casper Humboldt
Executive Director

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