Monday, May 30, 2005

Your Horror-Themed Tex-Mex Eatery is a Little Stupid

I know it probably started like a good idea. And some theme restaurants really work when they’re grounded on an interesting premise.

But your horror-themed Tex-Mex eatery is a little stupid.

Don’t get me wrong: Taco de los Muertos is not a bad name for a restaurant in and of itself. The gist is gotten. But after perusing the menu, I am fully convinced that this is the stupidest restaurant that I have ever entered.

I mean, come on! The Chupacabra Tostada? It was obviously shredded grilled beef topped with guacamole, tomatoes and onions. Not that I was left with much of an appetite anyway, after you evoked the image of a cattle-mutilating creature that has, by varying accounts, been described alternately as a vampirish bat-like beast which hops like a kangaroo, as a red-eyed panther with a snake’s tongue, or as a monkey-like creature with an alien’s face.

And while the gazpacho did have a pleasantly tart, smoky flavor, I would hardly describe what I experienced as “haunting.” More like “pretty all right” or “gloriously tolerable.”

At times, your offerings departed from simple stupidity and entered the realm of the offensive and insensitive.

Take the Enchilada à la Llorona, for example, which is described in your menu as being “drenched in the bloody tears of the wandering spirit herself.” Not only is that inaccurate—the “bloody tears” you speak of are simply a bland, watery condiment of tomatoes and vinegar—but it is extremely distressing to me, a third-generation Mexican-American. When I was child in Juarez, we used to hear stories of La Llorona, a tragic maternal figure who was mistakenly responsible for the death of her beloved children, and who was doomed to wander the earth forever, wailing and beseeching humanity to return her departed loved ones unto her outstretched and frail embrace.

Sounds delicious, you heartless prick.

As interim food editor for the Eagleton Greyhound, I have no choice but to mercilessly slag you in my weekly column. When you can move past sub-par entrees like Burrito de la Lechuza and immature desserts like Dulce de Leche Fantasmas, perhaps then I will give you a second chance.

By the way, have you considered converting to a Spaceballs-themed tapas bar? You might be able to pull that off.

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