Tuesday, May 31, 2005

The Strange Mailbag

To Cassidy in Austin, Texas:

To answer your “quick questions”:

1) Yes.
2) Yes.
3) Not so far as we know.
4) Only because Mark is lactose intolerant.

To answer your other question: Yes, Mark and Michael were in a band together, though it’s taken a backseat since they started The Strange.

The name of the band is Black Pipe. Mark plays bass, Michael plays drums, and they take turns on the kazoo and, of course, theremin. As of right now, they only have an EP—Black Pipe/White Afro—but are hoping, once things settle down with The Strange, to go back into the studio to record a full-length album. Shouldn’t be long now.

To Neil in Moab, Utah:

That is a sick, ghoulish question for you to ask. Do the Church Elders know about your habits? Maybe they should.

To Evan in Warwick, Rhode Island:

Sir, you wouldn’t know Funny if it threw you down to the ground in the bread aisle of a supermarket and kicked you several times in the throat.

You wouldn’t know Funny if it flung a weighted bag of flaming cowshit through your kitchen window when you were sitting down for Easter dinner.

In fact, you wouldn’t even know Funny if, tonight, it sent half-a-dozen vampiric clowns to your house to transform your family into blood-sucking denizens of the nighttime circus world.

No, sir, Funny is no more familiar to you than the Connecticut and Massachusetts National Guards massing at the borders of your shitty non-state, ready to invade at a moment’s notice.

But here’s what Funny is: a mix of low-and-high-pitched frequencies, just barely audible to human ears, that make you disoriented, confused, and nauseated. You don’t know where these frequencies are coming from, but you can’t make them stop. And they won’t stop until you apologize, you choad.


Post a Comment

<< Home