Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Let Us Incinerate Your Loved Ones

Here at Davenport-Vendler Funeral & Cremation Services, we understand the sadness and frustration that accompanies the death of a loved one. Making arrangements to handle someone’s earthly remains can be terrifying, and that is why we offer a simple solution to what may be the hardest decision of your life.

Let us incinerate them.

Our state-of-the-art facility is equipped with the latest and most advanced crematory implements available. Our staff of extensively trained “Firestormers” will ensure that every inch of your loved one is consumed by heartless tongues of purifying flame.

The process used at Davenport-Vendler is simple and effective. Without delving into too many of the morbid details, it starts with the corpse being placed into a drip-proof, unfinished wooden coffin, which is, in turn, positioned in a gas-fired cremation oven.

The chamber is then heated to a merciless one-thousand six-hundred degrees, which soon causes the flimsy wooden container to split open, thereby exposing your dearly departed’s rapidly darkening body to an unholy hellstorm of punishing fire. Again, a specially trained professional is on hand during this entire process, grimacing stoically as he or she watches skin and hair char, while the abdomen simultaneously swells with combustible gases and eventually bursts.

After forty-five to sixty minutes of unbearably merciless immolation, the unrecognizable remnants of what was once a crucial part of your life are pulverized into a fine white powder by an inhumanly powerful machine. After being poured into an urn, the remains are ready to be retrieved by a funeral director and delivered to you post-haste.

We at Davenport-Vendler specialize in sympathy, so you can rest assured that your funerary plans will be executed with sensitivity and compassion. And a tantalizing repast. While we annihilate your loved one’s body, you can enjoy a complimentary meal of flame-roasted rotisserie chicken and Vienna smoked sausage in our plush “Mourning Lounge,” and watch the entire cremation process from its viewing deck.

When your loved one passes, we hope that you will look to Davenport-Vendler for all of your cremation needs.

Let us enkindle someone you love today.

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