Wednesday, May 25, 2005

As Mayor of This Town, I Declare This Meal Delicious!

Ladies and gentlemen: I have before me the grand result of everything the good people of this town—and indeed this country—have fought and struggled to achieve for over two and a quarter centuries. It represents the culmination of the best elements of science, technology, nature, and art. I am proud to be here at this moment in our history and I hope you’ll join in my appraisal.

As mayor of this town, I declare this meal delicious!

I’ve had uncountable pints of pork lo mein in my lifetime, but this empty bowl before me should stand as testament to the utter deliciousness served daily at the Jade Garden. Furthermore, the odd scrap of onion on this otherwise unoccupied plate is emblematic of the untouchable quality of this restaurant’s pepper steak. And if the human digestive system had the ability to absorb bone, surely the remnants of those barbecue spareribs would not be cooling there for the busboy to clear away.

My opponent has accused me—on more than one occasion—of being too free with my declarations of deliciousness. How can one acclaim the foot-long chili cheese dog at Doug’s Dog Depot as well as laud the spicy southwestern vegetarian soup at Ruth’s Kitchen Table? Isn’t a nitrate-laden, artery-clogging hot dog in direct opposition to that healthy vegan bowl of goodness?

My response is simple. The concentration of skilled restauranteurs in our fair town is so dense that the chances of having a delicious reuben at Aberman’s Deli, then crossing the street to Banana Slim’s to pamper oneself with a frosty milkshake—and maybe later in the evening indulging in an Irish coffee at the Oak Tree Tavern—are not only incredibly high, but are an almost daily experience for the likes of you and I.

It is this diversity of deliciousness that makes me proud to be your mayor and citizen of these United States. Maybe my opponent doesn’t feel the same way about this town and its eateries, but I do.

Now, some claim I was too quick to declare Mangeforte’s veal parmigiana delicious in light of recent health code violations. But I say: although the letter of the law required that the long-entrenched establishment be shut down and the rats crated and burned, it in no way lessens the deliciousness of that baby calf’s delicate flesh drenched in sweet red sauce and piquant mozzarella cheese.

If a meal is delicious, the plain truth of such evidence presented compels me to declare it so.

And so, Mr. Ping, I congratulate you on another exquisite repast delivered and consumed. That an immigrant such as yourself—trained as a particle physicist in your own land—can come to these shores and create such delicious concoctions at affordable prices is a testament to this great democracy of ours.

Now who wants to join me at Phineas T. McFudge’s for some black pipe licorice?

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