Monday, April 11, 2005

When Visiting Southern Vermont, Stay at My Bed-and-Nothing

Vermont—the “Green Mountain State”—is home to some of the most glorious scenery in New England and some of its most important historical landmarks. From the Ethan Allen Homestead to the Bennington Battle Monument, from Lake Champlain to the Green Mountains that gave the state its nickname, any time of the year is a great time to visit Vermont.

And if your destination is southern Vermont, your first choice to stay should certainly be Pat & Leslie Kleinzahler-Braithwaite’s Bed-and-Nothing, which will provide the perfect hub to plan your day trips to Mounts Stratton, Snow, or Bromley, antiquing in Wilmington or Brattleboro, or anywhere else you decide to visit in beautiful Bennington or Windham Counties.

The Kleinzahler-Braithwaite Bed-and-Nothing is one of southern Vermont’s premier lodges. We had a laudatory review in Yankee magazine last year and that elm just outside the front door—

What’s that? Yes, I said “bed-and-nothing.” Our bedrooms are luxurious, every one of them furnished with at least a four-poster king-sized bed, standing mirrors that date back to the Revolutionary period, and the finest of linens, made right here, native, in Vermont.

I’m sorry if in the slapdash euphoria of vacation-going you were also expecting a sumptuous morning meal in addition to these fine accommodations, but as the name of the establishment clearly states, this is a Bed-and-Nothing.

Oh, of course, there’s a kitchen on the premises. Stocked with some of the choicest meats and dairy products available to a citizen of this fair state. But—you being a tourist first and then also not being the owner of this particular auberge—are unable to partake of said delicacies.

Indeed, the omelet I’ve just prepared is delicious, made with premium ham from locally slaughtered swine and tanged with the most redolent cheddar cheese available in the country, and, dare I say, the world. You really should make it a point to try it some time.

Well, sir, perhaps to you it’s a “disgrace” that food is not one of the services offered at the Kleinzahler-Braithwaite Bed-and-Nothing, but if you were under the impression that such was the case, that is most certainly not my fault.

I do, in fact, hear the hollow wails of your children as they question why their father can’t provide them with sustenance, but maybe you should have examined the brochure a little more closely before injudiciously making reservations at an establishment where your children might be malnourished to the point of weeping.

A bathroom, you say? Sir, as previously stated—by myself and in the materials you requested many, many months ago—this is a Bed-and-Nothing. Again, yes, there is a bathroom, replete with massaging showerhead, a bathtub large enough to fit four persons, a toilet and bidet. Unfortunately, this is for the proprietor’s use only and not for presumptuous guests and their starveling children.

Well, while a bathroom might be deemed a “must-have” for some, I will—for the third time—point you to the name of this hostelry. Where in the epithet “Bed-and-Nothing” do you divine the promise that toilet facilities will be provided to you?

Contrary to your ejaculations, I don’t think the Better Business Bureau nor the Chamber of Commerce would even take your phone calls on such a matter.

I warn you, sir, if your daughter does as she is threatening and micturates upon my lobby rug—a rug that was given to the original owners of this establishment by General Lafayette himself—you will be charged for it. And I assure you that the price for cleaning an 18th-century heirloom that the Smithsonian once expressed interest in obtaining is not cheap.

You’re completely within your right to find another place to lodge, though at this time of evening, at this time of year, I wish you the best of luck.

And please know that despite your vociferous proclamations, I don’t own any sheep, nor would I find it appropriate to perform such acts on them if I did.

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